So, you've read all the books in Elizabeth Peters' considerable ouevre, have you? You've adored Amelia and relished Bliss; finished the Kirby's and cleaned your local bookstore out of the non-series titles, ordering the hard-to-find volumes when necessary. They've lasted you a while, but even the most prolific author's works don't stretch out forever. Now you're at your wit's end - you're up a creek - you're dying for more, and there simply aren't any. What do you do now? I feel for you; I really do. I've been there myself. Well, there's only one thing for it; buck up, my girl, and write your own. Surprise news flash - I've gone and done this, and am now attempting publication, which is a whole other can of gummi-worms. If said attempt should be successful, you'll be notified here. Watch this space! We now return you to your regularly scheduled essay.

Now, now, it's not as hard as all that. To aid you, I have provided the following guide to Writing Your Own Elizabeth Peters Novel (EPN). Let's start at the very beginning - a very good place to start, as they say.

THE SETTING
First, you'll need a locale. Someplace ancient is best, but a location with merely centuries of history behind it will do in a pinch. Have you chosen your setting? Good. Now go and research it thoroughly, and report back to me when you've finished.

All done? Splendid! Now you'll need some characters.

THE HEROINE
It is important that the heroine of your EPN be someone your readers (and you, as the author) can identify with. Our Heroine must be intelligent and independent minded. She's courteous enough (usually), but honest - and plainspoken in her thoughts, or journal, or whatever means you've chosen of telling the story. A note: a first person perspective doesn't hurt; having the heroine tell her own story makes the reader a part of it.

You must name your heroine; the more normal the name, the better. She can be pretty, even beautiful, as long as she is not stuck-up about her looks. Almost any age will do, providing she is beyond adolescence. (If she is far enough beyond adolescence, you may include a secondary heroine as well, for whom the primary heroine can do some matchmaking along the way.) At the beginning of the story, the heroine will find herself in an unfamiliar situation, preferably alone - separated from family and friends. Any situation she encounters will be as new to her as it is to the reader. She should then be vaguely threatened by some sort of danger, which will start small and build with the plot. (More on that point later.) Of course, we cannot leave her to face peril alone. This brings us to...

THE HERO
Now that we've delineated our heroine, we need a hero worthy of her. That is not to say that they fall in love at first sight (or even that we know straightaway that our hero is, indeed, Our Hero); on the contrary! The more they argue at first, the better. Now, this doesn't necessarily mean that our hero is bad-tempered, although he may be. Usually, the pair's first meeting involves extenuating circumstances which get them off to a rocky start.

Our Hero is also of above average intelligence, he has a sense of humor, and he is a romantic at heart (though he's probably reluctant to admit it.) He is probably not handsome in the usual sense of the word, but by the time you are through with him, any woman with half a brain would choose him over your everyday, run-of-the-mill handsome prince. This brings us to an important point.

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
Let this be a warning to you, if you haven't realized it already: outward beauty and charm may (and often do) conceal undesirableness. Rather than the hearts of gold possessed by our hero and heroine, the glamorous outsides of the Beautiful People shelter only hearts of stainless steel. Your Beautiful People may be low-key or flamboyant, male or female. (One of each gender is usually best.) They will be rivals for the affections of the Our Hero and Our Heroine. As the story progresses, their true characters will be revealed in one of two ways: gradually, or suddenly. The manner of revelation will tell us to which of two possible groups the Beautiful Person belongs. (Note: This only holds true for secondary characters, not the Main or Secondary Heroes or Heroines, should they be beautiful.)

THE PESTS
The first of the two groups to which our Beautiful People may belong is the group known as Pests. Those in this group have their character revealed gradually. They may be merely silly and vain, or they may be troublemakers. (Or, if you're feeling particularly creative, they may be silly and vain troublemakers.) Regardless, no one will be in any serious danger from this group. The Pests may provide some humor, though we are laughing at them, and not with them. Their true character will be exposed by the end of the story, at which time they will disappear whence they came (whence-ever that is), to the relief of all. This class of Beautiful People have hearts, not of stainless steel, but of plastic.

THE CHILDREN
Your story does not have to contain children, but if it does, keep this in mind. If you are up to the prospect, you may also draw your Pests from a subset of Beautiful People, namely, Angelic Small Children. Not all small children fall into the category of Pests, however; the intelligent, resourceful ones are the ones who will grow up into worthy Heroes or Heroines themselves someday. Remember this if you plan to turn your novel into a series.

THE ANIMALS
How could I forget the animals? You don't need them, but if you should choose to put some into your story, give them good instincts. They should have an affinity to the "good guys" and a better instinct at sniffing out villains than the humans do at times. Speaking of villians:

THE VILLAIN
If you have not cast your Beautiful Person as a Pest, you may fit them instead into this category. The Villainous Beautiful Person must be charming, at least to members of the opposite sex. Their true character will be revealed suddenly, late in the story (though you may give hints along the way). They must project an air of innocence to hide their unfeeling motive for crime. Their motive is usually money, though infrequently it may be revenge or mental instability. (Stay away from the instability if at all possible, but use it if you must. It tends to leave a bad aftertaste.)

If your Villain does not come from the category of Beautiful People, then he (yes, usually he) is in a category all his own - brilliant, inconspicuous (unless he deliberately chooses not to be), and possessed of a sense of humor and irony. He may also be in love (unrequited, of course) with the heroine, if you so choose, which adds another dimension to the story and is good for an abduction / escape scene or two.

THE PLOT
Now that you have all your characters, you must work them into some sort of a plot. The plot is what Hitchcock used to call a McGuffin; it's mainly an excuse for the action, and interaction, of the characters.

You first take your Heroine, as we have mentioned, to an unfamiliar locale and situation. This is where your research comes in handy; use it to make the setting real. We must feel as though we are there. Set the Heroine individually up against a problem, or a mystery, that no one else around her takes as seriously as she does. The problem should relate to your setting and research. It need not be something the reader is already familiar with, since you will give us all the relevant details along the way. Our Heroine determines to solve - well, whatever mystery you've given her to solve. She will be assisted in her endeavors by Our Hero, whom she meets early on. (Ideally, he should not be just an innocent bystander - he should also be involved in some manner.) He and Our Heroine should be suspicious of each other at the start, though he loses his suspicion of her early on. She (and the reader) never really know whether he is a guilty party until the end.

Along the way, they meet up with Beautiful People and Pests. If the Hero and Heroine are far beyond youth (or if you are working on a series, and they are already married), you may include a subplot in which they solve the problems (preferably romantic) of a Secondary Hero and Heroine.

The denoument of the main plot happens late; once the mystery is solved, there is little left to wrap up except to send the Pests away and give Our Hero and Our Heroine the happy ending they so richly deserve. You will accomplish all of this (and, in fact, the entire story) with a minimum of Improprieties; you may hint, but do not describe them explicitly. The reader then embellishes as much - or as little - as they wish.

Remember: add humor (conversational, mainly; also arising from the actions of people who are just being themselves). If at all possible, try to fit into your novel the words "osculation" (kissing), "ratiocination" (thinking) and "ablution" (washing up). Be sure at least one of your characters loves to eat, and a reference (passing or otherwise) to the works of Gilbert & Sullivan, Victorian operettists extraordinaire, wouldn't hurt. Oh yes, and engaging dialogue is a must. Remember, your readers are intelligent, and so must your characters be for the reader to identify with them. Now that you have this outline, as well as some spare time (unless you're going to re-read your Elizabeth Peters collection), it's time to write your own Elizabeth Peters Novel.

This essay was semi-inspired by the Anna Russell routine "How to Write Your Own Gilbert and Sullivan Opera"; it resulted from my own frustration at not being able to find any more Peters that I hadn't read. I hope she won't mind; her books are among my favorites! (Obviously, right?) And of course there's only one Elizabeth Peters, but it can't hurt the rest of us to try, can it?